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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Depression in the LDS Church.

I'm really happy I asked for help by going to see a therapist at BYU. I didn't know who I'd get - what kind of a person I'd be booked with, but I'm blessed to have been booked with a therapist that gets me so well. I'm thankful. Words can't properly express my gratitude.

Sometimes, when you're depressed and LDS, people will tell you to "keep praying, read your scriptures daily, go to church, are you doing everything you can, and enough?"
And it's one of the most frustrating things someone could say to you.
Yes, I'm doing those things. Daily. That's not the problem.
Depression can run deep.
Yes, I have faith God can heal all things, but I don't think praying, reading scriptures, and going to church will solve every single thing.

Right now, I just have to recognize how I'm feeling, and let myself feel it. I can try to pray my way out of it, but if I don't address the things beyond the surface, I'll slip back under. I promise you that.

Let me just advise you not to tell someone in the church who is struggling with depression to pray more, read scriptures more, or go to church more. You don't know how long and hard I've been doing those things, and how I'm going to continue despite feeling the way I do.

Those are not the only answers. They are good ones, but not the only ones.

I'm thankful for a therapist who understands that, and understands me. Finally. I know God does, too.

Thanks.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Tibble Fork With Some Fam.

Yesterday Dallon and I went to the Tibble Fork Reservoir with Sami and Colt because they invited us (whooo thank ya). I had no idea what Tibble Fork was like and we were all amazed by the view when we got there. We spent the day talking and fishing, and Sami caught a fish! Colt caught two, one near the beginning and another literally as we were walking away to head to the car. Dallon and I caught ZERO but that's ok, we want to buy a pole and make a few more fishing trips happen because it was so fun.

It was nice to spend time with my sister and Colty. I love them a lot and I'm gonna miss them when they move away for Colt's medical school. Here are a few pictures and a hilarious video of Sami's catch, my mom called me after she saw it to tell me this video is the epitome of who we are. Me literally jumping for joy when Sami caught something and Sami saying she didn't want it to die, hahaha.
 


Tibble Fork Fishing from Bret Mortimer on Vimeo.

 
 

 Pretty view, Sami, and Frito BBQ Honey Twists. What more could I need.
 Don't ask for a picture with Dallon because he won't open his eyes, apparently. THANKS DUDE
 It stormed 50% of the time so please excuse my hood hair.

 Just being an Eskimo in two coats real quick.
I love this human.
 
Thanks for the great little day trip, Samillionaire.
 
 
K see ya.



Monday, May 18, 2015

Interpol & Guilt Trips

There are three things I've felt guilty about for the last few months:

1. Not sending out thank you cards for wedding gifts. It's been almost 8 months. I think about it every day but wonder what mental block I've got going on that I can't do it? Part of it is I'm scared we forgot to write down a few gifts so a lot of people will be thanked but some will be forgotten, even though it's completely irrational because as of right now only a few people have been properly thanked. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
(I guess this is my way of making myself accountable. The goal is to have em all done and sent out by Saturday. I can do this.)

2. Not properly thanking the Rozier fam, who let me stay with them before I got married so I didn't have to open a new lease. They saved me hundreds of dollars and were SO kind, and I kind of just packed up and left one day and said I'd be back but never came back. WHO AM I. That's not me. So I'm going to do something nice for them by Saturday. I can do that.

3. A nice fellow let me borrow his copy of The Sun Also Rises last summer and not only did I lose it somewhere among my moves, I never finished it. I'm going to find it this week, read it real quick (it's not too long), and return it. Because WHO DOES THAT.
P.S. the reason he lent it to me was because one of the characters is named Lady Bret(t) Ashley. Literally my first and middle name. He said she was kind of a jerk of a character but how could I not read it? (SERIOUSLY HOW HAVE I NOT READ THIS YET)

Onto other things:

Morgan, here are the next songs on your playlist While You Were Away.
 


I'm not sure you know how I initially got into Interpol, bud. It's hilarious.

One day I was Myspace stalking a boy who was in high school I thought was perfect. Donald. I was in 7th grade, so I was twelve and had hearts in my eyes. His 'Myspace song' (we both know how SACRED those things can be) was Evil by Interpol, so I sat in my Hawaiian-themed room by the palm tree memorizing the words every night, or watching the music video with the little marionette guy when the computer was open. Cause, you know, if the song happened to play when we were somehow together, I'd impress him with my lyrical knowledge and music taste. Of course.

I never had the chance to impress obviously (FOR SHAME), but I did dive into the world of Interpol more on my own when I entered 8th grade and high school. So did you.

PDA was my go-to song on drums in Rock Band. Sorry for making you play it so much with me, I loved it. Rest My Chemistry helped me with some harder things in college. Pioneer to The Falls is perfectly eerie. Slow Hands. Interpol has some gems we both appreciate, and I decided to revisit the band to see what they were up to in the last year.

Their album from the end of 2014, El Pintor, has become a recent favorite. You know me - it's pretty rare I can listen to an entire album and think the entire thing is quality versus just plucking a few songs from the mix and going on my way. This whole album flows and takes me away for a while.

One day I wasn't paying attention and was on a run with the album playing on Spotify. A remix of the first song on the album played, All The Rage Back Home, and I thought to myself, "This song sounds a bit like Animal Collective to me.. I'm liking this. Cool."

I clicked back because I wanted to listen to it again. The remix was by Panda Bear. YES. YES YES YES. The original is good too and I'm usually not one for remixes, but this is awesome. You'll recognize the Panda Bear ways right away, I know you.
 
 
In other news brother, I invested in my first actual non-thrift store vinyl. My first real CD that was all mine was The Shins' Wincing The Night Away, so I decided to come full circle and have that be my first vinyl, too. Real excited to get it in the mail, and even more excited to listen to it with you when you get back. Love you, brother.
 
 
K see ya.


Saturday, May 16, 2015

Interviews & Books

I had an interview for a different company yesterday, and I was pretty nervous going into it after my strange interview earlier in the week. Luckily this one wasn't over the phone, so I felt that was better for my personality to shine through. The Friday interview was also with someone who actually listened to me instead of cutting me off every time I opened my mouth.

"ACTUALLY I DON'T WANT TO WORK HERE THANKS BYE" *hang up* (I did not do this but perhaps should have...)

The four people I interviewed with on Friday made me feel comfortable right away and really listened to what I had to say. It was a little blessing because I wasn't feeling worth too much earlier in the week. Even if I don't get the position, I'm thankful for how they treated me. But I hope I get it because I liked all of them and could learn a lot there as well as contribute, too.

Thanks for your prayers if you saw my last post, I felt them when I was there. It's a weird thing to feel support when you're in certain situations you would otherwise be freaking out in, and to realize what it's from. I believe in prayer wholeheartedly, but it's easy to doubt when I don't make the effort to recognize the blessings that stem from it.

I see my BYU counselor guy this next week after a long break. It'll be good for me.

I hope you're having a good weekend. We just went to the library to pick up a few books. I asked all of my Facebook friends months ago about a book that changed their life or perspective, and I'm finally getting around to reading them. I had quite a few responses so if you're looking for a book to read this summer, the status I'm talking about is from February. Take a gander! It's cool to think about your relationship with someone and what books are special to them, and realizing why as you flip through the pages. I'm excited about it.

K see ya.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Shhhhwing

Currently listening to Supertramp because I am my mother's daughter.
 
I went on a run yesterday morning and something really good happened: My sweat smelled like chlorine.
MY SWEAT SMELLS LIKE CHLORINE AGAIN, GUYS! I couldn't believe how happy that weird fact made me.
I've been swimming again with the Masters swim team at the Rec Center the past two weeks so I can be better prepared for the polo tournament I'm playing in with Dani and some old teammates in June, and I've been pretty consistent. That tournament is like a golden sliver in my summer I can't help but look forward to.
 
That whole, "Do something you like or used to like for an hour a day" thing is helping.
 
In other news, I completely bombed an interview yesterday. I did pretty well in the first interview, but the second one was so, so disappointing. I took a long drive alone after that one ended. It's hard not to feel worthless when nobody wants you to work with them, and nobody thinks your work will be valuable. It's hard not to feel worthless, period, these days. I'm trying though.
 
I've got another interview this Friday so prayers if you're into that would be appreciated. It's tough because I'm trying to get a job in my field so that when I graduate I can be better prepared for the real world, but most of the internships or jobs are filled or require a degree. Which I'm one semester away from.
 
Oh well. Things will work out.
 
Today I walked on the pool deck after a crazy practice last night, and the coach smiled when he saw me which he usually doesn't do... Turns out we were doing the same hard practice we did the previous night. The main set consisted of a 30-minute-straight swim followed by 2 all out 100s (4 laps), racing speed, off the blocks and everything. Last night I hit 90 laps on the 30-minute swim which is 2,250 yards. Obviously not as fast as I used to be but I felt alright about it. Today he challenged me to beat it, and I went 90 or 92 laps (not real sure I got confused somewhere in there hah) so it was pretty much the same. My muscles were tired from the previous night so I was ok with that, too.
 
The sprints were where I felt disappointed. I've never been a sprinter, but I thought I'd do better. Last night I went 2 100s at 1:04 both times, when I used to be able to go a :57 low. This morning my muscles were not having it and I went my first 100 at 1:09 and my second at 1:08. My disappointment probably showed on my face and when I looked up to get out of the pool, one of the other swimmers looked me in the eyes and said, "You did well! Don't compare it to your past. It's about today, and you went one second faster the second time. It's about today."
 
I felt like that was a huge message of hope for me regarding more than just swimming. So often I find myself diving into my past, trying to look like I did or feel like I did back then when I wasn't so depressed all of the time. But there's no magic. I can't go back. It's only ever going to be about today, about getting better today - the only day I need to really focus on.
 
K see ya.