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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Five.

 
5 days until I marry dallon.
and by marry, I mean 5 days until I'm sealed to dallon for eternity in the temple.
Draper temple, to be exact.
 
dallon doesn't enjoy writing his name with a capital D.
I forget why, but he has his reasons and it makes me smile every time I see it.
 
There have been things out of our control that have brought quite a bit of hardship to the table.
But holy cow, the comfort he brings and the way he consoles me is perfect - for me.
 
Through this engagement, I thought we'd still be excited and in love the whole time
but I didn't realize how much growth in love we'd have.
IT FEELS BEYOND GOOD TO HAVE FOUND THIS.
 
While the details of the reception and little issues with that here and there stress me out a bit,
I feel so calm about the choice I've made, and the choice I'll follow through with in 5 days.
 
5 LITTLE DAYS.
 
K see ya.
 


Sunday, September 21, 2014

Fake Wedding Pictures? Ok Yeah, We'll Take Some.

About a month ago, I saw a post from a photographer looking for a couple for a stylized minimalist wedding shoot.
I sent her an email and a picture of Dallon and me, and we were picked!
 
Overall it was a really good gig because hello, free pictures with my soon-to-be husband (in 9 days, but who's counting.)
 
Here are a few that I love. These are from Nhiya Kaye Photography.
 
Also, I look like the girl from the Never Ending Story and Dallon looks like Joseph Smith, but we won't talk about that.
 
And I'm convinced you can play connect the dots with the amount of moles I have on my body. So that's a fun game I guess.
 
Here y'are:
 

















 
 
K see ya.
 
 


Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I'll School Ya.

Taking Newswriting the same semester you're getting married is something I would advise against.
SCHOOL MAY JUST BE THE DEATH OF ME.
In other news, here's a recent update with pictures because I haven't done that in a while, and my brain can't possibly match the words to what I want to say.
 
Other than this - I miss my little brother. I now know how essential it is to forgive in families. And I hope I never make Dallon feel lonely, ever, in our lives.
None of the above are related so don't get crazy on me, just some good thoughts I'm grateful I've had this week.
 
Here are some pics.
 
This is a very realistic view of what my apartment looks like at the moment. Plastic mini dinosaurs - check. Chrysanthemum book - check.
Hopefully I will get better at decorating at some point, and when I say that I mean hopefully I'll have things to decorate with at some point other than my winnings from the local version of John's Incredible Pizza.
But let's be real, I'll probably keep those around forever anyway.

This is us directly after getting our hair and makeup done for a fake wedding shoot we got to be in. Modulz.

 Mom, this one is for you. You may not be able to tell, but this is a Supertramp record.
And I found it with Dallon's stuff.
HE IS THE ONE
Our invites are watercolor themed, because we're into that or whatever, but we decided to get smaller cards with my friend Melissa's painting she did of us on them (THANK YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL ARTIST.) - and we're writing small notes to everyone. My hand hurts a lot, and it was something I've always thought about doing, but Dallon's push for it just confirms I'm marrying a truly great guy.
I love him a lot. Most genuine human I know, and I've wanted that all my life.

 Here are some sneak peeks at that shoot we got our hair and makeup done for - I just got word that it's being published on a bridal site, so this'll be all you can see for now.. but it was awesome and you'll be seeing more after it's published. We said yes to doing this because we're gettin' married, so why not have more pictures of us together?
That one time a while back I did a swim shoot for Hush & Salt..
Hey guys. It's alright to have curves! It's alright if your thighs don't have a gap! I work out almost every day, try to eat healthy (most of the time), but my body will never be the stick thin I wanted for so long. This is how my body looks when I'm healthy - and I'm learning to love that. I'm not completely at peace with it yet, but I'm working on it.

On Sunday I was going to wear these heels. Until I picked them up and a spider crawled down my arm. Nope.
 
K see ya.


Saturday, August 30, 2014

"There's No Correct Mixture or Balance of You. There's Just You."

This is a really long post that I've needed to write for a long time, but didn't because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I hope no angry feelings will come from it, and instead it'll be seen in the light that it'll help someone else.
Because I wish I had seen this sooner.




After high school, I entered a relationship that lasted quite a while with an extraordinary guy. I loved him, and I hope my actions showed that throughout our time together.

I still care deeply about that fella, but I had to learn to let him go. By the end of it, I wasn't me anymore.

And the most frightening part was that I was the only person that didn't see it happen.

This love of mine struggled with addiction. And in a perfect world, like I acted it was, I would have paid no mind to that. Everyone has their problems - I have a ton. And I went on with that mindset.

But friends, addiction is one of the most draining situations on this planet. I promise you this.

Throughout our beautiful times together, things would sharply take a plunge.
So quickly, everything we had worked toward together was no longer in reach.
Because of one decision.

I would blame myself if he faltered. I would try to help pick him up and get him back on track. Over, and over. It became just as much my problem as it was his. It was almost like I was addicted as well, without the high.

In the end, I came to realize this -
I can pick him up every. single. time.
but no matter what I do,
I can't make his choices for him.

I could support him, but it would never be enough to come out on top.
He needed to choose. It was him.


When I finally cut it off, I had to completely cut it off.
I didn't mean to hurt him, but I had to for my own health.

I then began to see how different I had become.

I was barely that spontaneous, fun, bubbly Bret from before.
My mindset transformed into one of a pessimist.

And today,
I still cry and get down on myself - because I am so angry at myself - why can't I return to the better me?

When I first met Dallon, I told him how crazy I was, and how I rarely cared what anyone thought of me.

He believed me, because I said it so honestly - because at one point, that was completely true.

I wore cow suits to high school, for goodness' sakes.

But throughout our relationship, he'd say "I wish what you said was true," or something along the lines of that regarding my claim of carelessness.

And it'd silently cut me deeply, because how badly I wished that was still true, too.

I wanted to return to the person I was, before I was drained and different.

And my attempts to get back to that were draining me even more.

I talked to Dallon about this a few weeks ago to let him know why those little statements hurt me. And I also emailed my brother on the matter.
If anyone else is struggling with this as well, or with any form of returning to an old you, please - read the following.

My initial email:
"I've had a realization this week I suppose. I talked to Dallon about how I feel like --- drained so much of my personality and soul, and that I've been trying to get it back the whole time since.. Trying to be the Bret everyone used to know and love, the super exciting and spontaneous one. While I am still that in many cases naturally, the truth is trying to be that person still is almost as draining as dating --- was.
And I realized, that's not how it's supposed to work at all - being the same person I was..
Of course not. Of course I wouldn't be the same after that. And the person I am is on the road to the person I'm supposed to be. I'm changing because the change is good, and when I let go of my efforts to be who I once was, I think I'll be able to more fully be who I'm supposed to.

I don't know, I feel like I've been trying to go in circles for years to get back to who I was my senior year of high school, but that's just not the way it's supposed to be. I guess I've been in denial? Who knows.

Hope that made somewhat of sense. It kind of does in my head."
 
Morgan:

"Hey Bert,


Sorry I am on so late. It's 11 over here and we've been traveling the country it feels like searching for any place with internet. It's okay if you're slumbering 'cause I would be too. 

Sense was made, felt, related to, and applied. That whole spectrum of human empathy we're sometimes allotted. 

There's some balance we're trying to find in that whole existing effort. Sometimes I yearn for the glory years of being (a junior) at Buchanan too. I felt like I connected with the right people and was reserved in just the manner a man-of-my-innards ought to be. I remember that aspect of relations (friendship wise) just feeling fulfilled.

And then I diverted my attentions to the wrong cause. (Boo crappy relationships of the Mortimer's)  Something I didn't like was what I was becoming and I, as well as people I genuinely loved, suffered. My desperate attempts to convey and conjure a feeling of love were perverted by the reality presented. The investment and the consequences... G'all the ramifications of being an idiot, ya know? I think James Mercer sings it better than I can say it:

"Close your eyes to corral a virtue,
Is this fooling anyone else?
Never worked so long and hard,
To cement a failure,"  

["A Comet Appears" - The Shins (Basement Sessions)]

I really liked what you wrote when you said 

"Of course not. Of course I wouldn't be the same after that. And the person I am is on the road to the person I'm supposed to be. I'm changing because the change is good, and when I let go of my efforts to be who I once was, I think I'll be able to more fully be who I'm supposed to."

Instead of exhausting ourselves with these efforts of regression, maybe we should just simply be. With the acknowledgement of our goals and our destination in conjunction with the mightily poignant lessons of the past - let us be who God would intend us to be: You, Bret Mortimer, and I, your brudderlady, Morgan Mortimer. Us, after It All, and still learning. 




Man, sorry if that didn't make any sense. The dialects and Portuguese are taking prominence in my brain it seems. I suppose if you remove the excitement of my own ideas and the rhetoric that comes as a result of the stirring: I'm trying to say you just be you. Not the you of 5 years ago or the you with ----. Just be the result and continue to grow and all. 


Thing's will change and you and I will over time(not too drastically I hope), but I'll always love you Bert. You're my brudderlady. There's no correct mixture or balance of you, there's just you. Don't forget that, okay guy?



African Love You, 

Elder Mortimer"
 
Yeah, African love him too.
 
He's right.
I've been trying so hard to return back to who I was, when I should really just be so that I can move forward.
 
I suppose this supremely poor drawing on paint will give you a slight feeling of how much I've struggled to return to that beginning point, and what should actually happen instead.
 
 
 
 
It's not worth it to make circles anymore when I could be catapulting into the me I'm really supposed to be. I need to learn from the past and instead of trying to return to it, grow from it.
 
 
I hope this post didn't hurt anyone's feelings. I've felt like I needed to post my thoughts on this for a very long time, but hadn't because I didn't want to hurt anyone. But it needed to be posted.
 
Thanks for reading.
 
K see ya.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Livin' Quarters (Or Dimes)

 
Remember how I said I wasn't gonna stress out over this marriage thing?
 
Well fellas
finding married housing in Provo (especially right now, when everyone else trying as well)
is some serious business.
 
We've been looking daily on Craigslist and KSL throughout the entire month of August, as the housing market here is QUICK.
 
We tried to get in touch with more than a few landlords,
and more than a few did not return our attempts.
 
Frustration.
(No breathing, don't give a jilly drop.) ((Morgan shoutout, only he'll get that in two years, holla.))
 
Yes, stress only seemed to grow as September drew closer.
 
But finally, yesterday,
 
WE GOT AN APARTMENT!
YES YES YES YES YES!
 
Ohh goodness, turning in that safety deposit check this morning to our new managers made it so real and exciting..
 
Something you have to know about me is this:
Throughout all my time in college, all my time moving from place to place, I have never bought decorations. Not once. I figured no place felt like it was really mine, so why try to dress it up like it was?
But after this morning, something in me got SO excited to make this place ours.
 
I'll be moving in on the 1st, and Dallon will be moving in after we're married
on the 30th.
Oh yeah, p.s.
We're getting married on the 30th of September.
 
YEAH YEAH YEAH
 
I'M SO EXCITED TO HAVE MY OWN LITTLE CORNER OF THE UNIVERSE WITH DALLON
 
AND WE'RE GONNA BE POOR BUT IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME
 
AND HERE'S A PICTURE OF ME BEING ASIAN AND SO EXCITED ABOUT ALL OF THIS
 
 
K see ya.