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Saturday, August 30, 2014

"There's No Correct Mixture or Balance of You. There's Just You."

This is a really long post that I've needed to write for a long time, but didn't because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I hope no angry feelings will come from it, and instead it'll be seen in the light that it'll help someone else.
Because I wish I had seen this sooner.

After high school, I entered a relationship that lasted quite a while with an extraordinary guy. I loved him, and I hope my actions showed that throughout our time together.

I still care deeply about that fella, but I had to learn to let him go. By the end of it, I wasn't me anymore.

And the most frightening part was that I was the only person that didn't see it happen.

This love of mine struggled with addiction. And in a perfect world, like I acted it was, I would have paid no mind to that. Everyone has their problems - I have a ton. And I went on with that mindset.

But friends, addiction is one of the most draining situations on this planet. I promise you this.

Throughout our beautiful times together, things would sharply take a plunge.
So quickly, everything we had worked toward together was no longer in reach.
Because of one decision.

I would blame myself if he faltered. I would try to help pick him up and get him back on track. Over, and over. It became just as much my problem as it was his. It was almost like I was addicted as well, without the high.

In the end, I came to realize this -
I can pick him up every. single. time.
but no matter what I do,
I can't make his choices for him.

I could support him, but it would never be enough to come out on top.
He needed to choose. It was him.

When I finally cut it off, I had to completely cut it off.
I didn't mean to hurt him, but I had to for my own health.

I then began to see how different I had become.

I was barely that spontaneous, fun, bubbly Bret from before.
My mindset transformed into one of a pessimist.

And today,
I still cry and get down on myself - because I am so angry at myself - why can't I return to the better me?

When I first met Dallon, I told him how crazy I was, and how I rarely cared what anyone thought of me.

He believed me, because I said it so honestly - because at one point, that was completely true.

I wore cow suits to high school, for goodness' sakes.

But throughout our relationship, he'd say "I wish what you said was true," or something along the lines of that regarding my claim of carelessness.

And it'd silently cut me deeply, because how badly I wished that was still true, too.

I wanted to return to the person I was, before I was drained and different.

And my attempts to get back to that were draining me even more.

I talked to Dallon about this a few weeks ago to let him know why those little statements hurt me. And I also emailed my brother on the matter.
If anyone else is struggling with this as well, or with any form of returning to an old you, please - read the following.

My initial email:
"I've had a realization this week I suppose. I talked to Dallon about how I feel like --- drained so much of my personality and soul, and that I've been trying to get it back the whole time since.. Trying to be the Bret everyone used to know and love, the super exciting and spontaneous one. While I am still that in many cases naturally, the truth is trying to be that person still is almost as draining as dating --- was.
And I realized, that's not how it's supposed to work at all - being the same person I was..
Of course not. Of course I wouldn't be the same after that. And the person I am is on the road to the person I'm supposed to be. I'm changing because the change is good, and when I let go of my efforts to be who I once was, I think I'll be able to more fully be who I'm supposed to.

I don't know, I feel like I've been trying to go in circles for years to get back to who I was my senior year of high school, but that's just not the way it's supposed to be. I guess I've been in denial? Who knows.

Hope that made somewhat of sense. It kind of does in my head."

"Hey Bert,

Sorry I am on so late. It's 11 over here and we've been traveling the country it feels like searching for any place with internet. It's okay if you're slumbering 'cause I would be too. 

Sense was made, felt, related to, and applied. That whole spectrum of human empathy we're sometimes allotted. 

There's some balance we're trying to find in that whole existing effort. Sometimes I yearn for the glory years of being (a junior) at Buchanan too. I felt like I connected with the right people and was reserved in just the manner a man-of-my-innards ought to be. I remember that aspect of relations (friendship wise) just feeling fulfilled.

And then I diverted my attentions to the wrong cause. (Boo crappy relationships of the Mortimer's)  Something I didn't like was what I was becoming and I, as well as people I genuinely loved, suffered. My desperate attempts to convey and conjure a feeling of love were perverted by the reality presented. The investment and the consequences... G'all the ramifications of being an idiot, ya know? I think James Mercer sings it better than I can say it:

"Close your eyes to corral a virtue,
Is this fooling anyone else?
Never worked so long and hard,
To cement a failure,"  

["A Comet Appears" - The Shins (Basement Sessions)]

I really liked what you wrote when you said 

"Of course not. Of course I wouldn't be the same after that. And the person I am is on the road to the person I'm supposed to be. I'm changing because the change is good, and when I let go of my efforts to be who I once was, I think I'll be able to more fully be who I'm supposed to."

Instead of exhausting ourselves with these efforts of regression, maybe we should just simply be. With the acknowledgement of our goals and our destination in conjunction with the mightily poignant lessons of the past - let us be who God would intend us to be: You, Bret Mortimer, and I, your brudderlady, Morgan Mortimer. Us, after It All, and still learning. 

Man, sorry if that didn't make any sense. The dialects and Portuguese are taking prominence in my brain it seems. I suppose if you remove the excitement of my own ideas and the rhetoric that comes as a result of the stirring: I'm trying to say you just be you. Not the you of 5 years ago or the you with ----. Just be the result and continue to grow and all. 

Thing's will change and you and I will over time(not too drastically I hope), but I'll always love you Bert. You're my brudderlady. There's no correct mixture or balance of you, there's just you. Don't forget that, okay guy?

African Love You, 

Elder Mortimer"
Yeah, African love him too.
He's right.
I've been trying so hard to return back to who I was, when I should really just be so that I can move forward.
I suppose this supremely poor drawing on paint will give you a slight feeling of how much I've struggled to return to that beginning point, and what should actually happen instead.
It's not worth it to make circles anymore when I could be catapulting into the me I'm really supposed to be. I need to learn from the past and instead of trying to return to it, grow from it.
I hope this post didn't hurt anyone's feelings. I've felt like I needed to post my thoughts on this for a very long time, but hadn't because I didn't want to hurt anyone. But it needed to be posted.
Thanks for reading.
K see ya.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Livin' Quarters (Or Dimes)

Remember how I said I wasn't gonna stress out over this marriage thing?
Well fellas
finding married housing in Provo (especially right now, when everyone else trying as well)
is some serious business.
We've been looking daily on Craigslist and KSL throughout the entire month of August, as the housing market here is QUICK.
We tried to get in touch with more than a few landlords,
and more than a few did not return our attempts.
(No breathing, don't give a jilly drop.) ((Morgan shoutout, only he'll get that in two years, holla.))
Yes, stress only seemed to grow as September drew closer.
But finally, yesterday,
Ohh goodness, turning in that safety deposit check this morning to our new managers made it so real and exciting..
Something you have to know about me is this:
Throughout all my time in college, all my time moving from place to place, I have never bought decorations. Not once. I figured no place felt like it was really mine, so why try to dress it up like it was?
But after this morning, something in me got SO excited to make this place ours.
I'll be moving in on the 1st, and Dallon will be moving in after we're married
on the 30th.
Oh yeah, p.s.
We're getting married on the 30th of September.
K see ya.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Is It Worth It? Let Me Work It. Volume I: Results

Remember how I was going to add coconut oil to my facial care routine and told you I'd get back to you in two weeks?..
Well, confession.
I didn't last the two weeks.
Becaaaauuuuseeee I had large, gaping, cluster zits all over my face,
I decided to refrain from continuing this little experiment.
All in all, the coconut oil (no matter how little I put on)
made my face feel oily forever after.
Yes, I understand, oil is actually pretty good for your face. Without it, your face thinks there is no oil there and tries to overcompensate.
But this was insane.
And the clustered zits I got from this experiment made me frustrated I shelled out $8 on the oil.
So, while it may work on some,
my face was not a fan.
Not worth it, Missy Elliott. Not. Worth. It.
K see ya.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014


(scream that Andrew W.K. style, please)
This past weekend I had the chance to go to New York City for the Keds Brave Life Summit and Brand Ambassador Orientation.
Despite all the travel time (a Red Eye on Thursday, getting in at 10 AM Friday.. helps meh),
it was awesome to get the chance to see the city once more.
Here are a few gems / ultimate tourist pics.

K see ya.

Monday, August 11, 2014

"Estamos Juntos, Minha Irma. Te-amo."

"I love you too, you know? One of my friends here, Manuel, lost his sister this week. It took one second of thinking of losing you and I had tears in my eyes. He's going through the biggest trial I think this life can provide.

But he was so happy to hear the Plan of Salvation, and I was so happy to teach it. I don't have my Bible with me, but there's a point where Peter is writing and says:
"For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty."
I'm not here to tell a good story, you know? I wouldn't leave you and our family for two years unless I knew it was for something greater. Manuel knows he's going to see his sister again. He wants to get baptized and he wants to go to the Temple. I can assure you he doesn't want to do these things because a 19-year old white kid is telling him to.

I love you a ton Bert. And our entire family. I want to come back one day and make things right, but it's gonna take a lot of preparation and a lot of patience. I know you're with me, and I'm so glad you are. Estamos juntos, minha irma. Te-amo."
(We are together, my sister. Love you.)
-Elder Morgan Mortimer